I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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