I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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