I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize