piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
