I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
