If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
