you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
