I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
