My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
