Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
