I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
