Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
