i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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