One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize