I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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