we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize