She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
