new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
