okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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