Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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