between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
