I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
