im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
