I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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