i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
