I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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