ugly people sure do ruin things
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
