my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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