Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
