walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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