You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
