yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
