I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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