when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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