She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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