Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
