i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
