You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
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