I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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