mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
