My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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