yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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