so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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