Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
