i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
