What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
