Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
