U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
