ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
