It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just pee around me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
