have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You dont lie about slip and slides
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
