talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
