having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
