pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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