u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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