I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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