Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
