so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
