god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
