you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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