you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we made out on top of his cat.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
