Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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