2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I did not marry a roomba.
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