for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
