There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize