why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he thought i was a dude.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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