tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
