i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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