oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
